Thursday, 21 July 2016

Dear ED.

Dear ED,

I am angry.
I am angry that you you took away my life, my happiness and my sparkle. I am angry that when I fell you rose, I am angry that when I was weak you were strong.

You turned me into someone I didn't know... All because I wasn't 'skinny.' You promised me amazing things you said I'd be happy, I'd be be perfect and I'd be loved.
You lied.
I wasn't happy, I was depressed, I wasn't perfect because I didn't know what perfect was, I wasn't loved because I couldn't love myself.

You were abusive. You told me I was worthless, fat, greedy, unloved, ugly.
You told me I'd be better off dead.
You made me starve myself for 3 months. You made me cold, lifeless, dizzy, pale, blue.
You made me die while I was still living.

You wouldn't stop. You wouldn't stop when I was hysterical in my room at 3 am with a blade to my arm, you just encouraged me.
You wouldn't stop when I overdosed and my heart was failing in hospital, you laughed.
You wouldn't stop when I was screaming at my mom for making me fat, you told me what to say.
You wouldn't stop when I had my head in the toilet, you gave me tips on how to vomit.
You wouldn't stop when I when I gave up, you smiled.
You. Wouldn't. Stop.

This letter, this is me stopping..

I'm going to stop listening to you.
I'm going to stop believing you.
I'm going to stop relying on you for comfort.
I'm going to stop loving you.

I don't want to be the girl that checks her bones to make sure they're sticking out, I don't want to be the girl that counts calories, I don't want to be the girl that hides behind baggy clothes, I don't want to be the girl with the eating disorder.

So fuck you. Fuck you for making me believe I couldn't have it all. Fuck you for making me feel worthless. Fuck you for taking pride on my damaged mind. Fuck you for ruining me. FUCK YOU.

I do not yet believe I am beautiful, but when the day comes where I can stand in front of a mirror and take pride in my appearance, my body and my heart... You will be the first to know, and I am going to laugh at you like you laughed at me.. because I survived.

No longer yours,
Lottie Hartley.